Letter to the Editor: Raccoon Edition

To my fellow residents,

 

My ladies on the northside, you have treated me well. I have soiled your ceilings, finished off your leftover Toppers Mac N’ Cheese pizzas, with a little bit of dryer sheet, and personally, I consider myself a ladies raccoon. I prefer your sweet smelling, quiet halls over the rowdy, disturbing men on the southside. The floors in Martin are too wet, and it rains without the help of my bladder. There are never any girls in Hardin, and Couch has skunk smell, not a fan of those guys.

But to my Raney, Veasey and Galloway ladies, If you ever need a tender shoulder to cry on, knock on your wall, I’m probably waiting.

But, ladies, no matter how much I love you, I have been deprived of some basic needs. We have to fix that.

First off, I cannot access the second or third floors in any of the halls. Personally, I wanted to explore my options and get to know you all a little bit more fully.

Also, I’m a little offended when you run from the sight of me. Ladies, there is no reason to fear. I’m not scared of you. Which is why it makes me a little upset when you move rooms just because I’m hanging out right above you. Frankly, I think it’s a little judgey. Judgement isn’t pretty on anyone, ladies.

We should evacuate the feline fur ball things. I know, you love them. You feed them. You pet them. You take pictures of them. But ladies, this relationship is unhealthy. They only see you when they want to. They really just want you to give them food, and honestly, you’re not the only one that’s loving on them. Next thing you know they will be asking you to make a sandwich and “move out of the way of the game.” Move those bushy, scratchy things to the past. Make way for new furry friend, I promise, I’m not rabid. So if I bite, it’s just out of love.

We need to talk about lighting. These basements, walls and ceilings are too dark. I can’t see your pretty faces. Sure, I’m nocturnal. I have night vision. But ladies, I want to see you in all the colors. I have thought up a plan for how we can make this happen. I think we should appeal to Student Senate for funding. I know about the extra student fund money, word gets around at this small school. I think I deserve a piece of that pie.

Also, I’d like to address the alarm clocks. They go off, loudly, in every room, right at the beginning of my bedtime. Ladies, I need my beauty rest too.

Lastly, I’m not alone. I’ve got brothers, and sisters, all waiting and watching too.

But ladies, don’t write me off just because I’m small and furry. Opposites attract, and I bet we have more in common than you think.

Finally, to my friends at facilities, I like our little game, but I’m getting tired of winning.

Catch you on flipside,

Mr. Bravo

Editor’s Note: This story originally appeared in the April print edition of The Profile as an April Fool’s joke. None of the events in this story actually occurred,as it is purely for entertainment purposes. Any actual raccoons wanting to submit letters to the editor are welcome to contact us.

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