Last Friday, a Martin party took a dark turn when a rare radioactive bacteria was discovered in one of the first floor bathrooms. A student, sophomore Tanner Cooper, noticed the bacteria while he was lying on the tile, trying to recover from a bout of nausea. Cooper described the bacteria as hot, bubbly and terrifying.
“I was just lying there…and I looked over and behind the toilets there was this bubbling green stuff. It looked like it was boiling. So I stuck my head a little bit closer and it smelled terrible. It was the smell I always assumed just belonged to the bathroom,” Cooper said.
Cooper reported the substance to an RA, who sent a work order to Facilities Management. However, the bacteria couldn’t be removed.
“It’s growing through the wall,” one resident said.
The Hendrix biology faculty requested a sample of the mysterious substance.
“I heard about the bacteria growing, and I thought, ‘maybe this is the radioactive material that my colleagues and I have been sensing’,” Dr. Laura MacDonald said.
Before testing the substance, the biology faculty reached a consensus: it was radioactive bacteria.
“I took one look at it, and I knew what it was. It was radioactive. I mean, this came from Martin, so it had to be. We saw the same thing in Hardin a few years ago,” Dr. Maureen McClung said.
The biology faculty believes that the bacteria mutated in response to its exposure to certain substances.
“Our best guess is that this bacteria mutated in a very toxic environment over the course of several years. The bacteria’s radioactivity is most likely the product of a unique combination of substances found in the Martin bathroom, like Busch Lite, Old Spice body spray, 3-in-1 shower gel, vomited caf pizza and the liquid inside of glow sticks,” Dr. MacDonald said.
It’s unclear whether the bacteria’s radioactivity affords any special powers to those who come into contact with it, although some have speculated that it compels residents to wear socks with sliders.
“Why else would Martin guys wear that?” one student said. “I mean, it’s unnatural.”
Since students have been living around the bacteria without any serious consequences, it’s unlikely that it poses a threat to the Martin men.
Two years ago, a similar strain of radioactive bacteria was discovered in Hardin’s lobby bathroom. Residents reported seeing figures in hazmat suits leaving the bathroom early one morning, after which the substance was gone.
When asked for a statement on the incident, President Tsuitsui loudly declined. “We need to keep this on the down-low,” Tuitsui said. “I already have the government on my back about the secret Godzilla recreation lab that I’ve set up in Buhler. The last thing I need is for them to find out about this.”
Editor’s Note: This story originally appeared in the April print edition of The Profile as an April Fool’s joke. None of the events in this story actually occurred,as it is purely for entertainment purposes. No Martin Men were harmed in the creation of this prank story
Photo credit: Aditya Katke